I've got a lot of catching up to do.
there's a lot going on in this head of mine, and I'd love to write everything down... but you're going to have to read the book. I want to let everything out... but it doesn't really feel safe. not like there's anything anyone could do with this information that I hold in... but when you're so use to keeping your lips sealed out of obligation, even when it's okay to speak... you still feel as though you have to watch your back.
I know that I don't make sense to anyone... and sometimes I don't even make sense to myself, but the words aren't controlled... they just flow. sometimes I don't even know what I'm talking about.
I feel so bad for my brother... we're so much different, but we feel just the same. he's holding back... and keeping everything is, but his water is already boiling... and I know that he can't take anymore. he's a lit fuse... that's being ignored. people always seem to ignore the obvious... and make fabrications reality. what is wrong with this picture. who is running things around here.
I can't wait untill I can get away. it's sad... the people that I'm supposed to love the most... make me want to run away and never come back. I want to close my eyes and wish them all away. I'm not sure if everyone is actually as dumb as they act, or if they too are hiding behind something... trying to blacken the real world. ignorance is not a good cover up... ignorance in it's true form is simply bliss.
have you ever been so deep in water, that you can feel your ears pop... then you suddently realize that you're running out of air... and the surface seems so far away, then just as you're heart starts racing, your lungs start hurting, and you hear music climaxing.... you reach the top, and take the biggest breath of air your lungs can hold? I had a nightmare like that last night.... except, I couldn't see the light at the top of the water, it was pitch black.... and I was disoriented. It was so fucked. only because I can't swim...